Plan a Successful Marriage

The biggest part of a wedding is not the party or the flowers or the cake.  It is the commitment to one another. The commitment to plan a successful marriage. The choice to love each other for better or for worse, no matter what life throws at you.  As a wedding photographer, I think it is my responsibility to not only document my couple’s big day but to help them create the best marriage I possibly can to carry them through life together.  I know for me, it is a priority to cultivate an exceptional marriage and relationship. I envision sitting on my porch with my Fiance’ Alex, watching our grandkids play in the yard, as happy as we were on our wedding night.  I didn’t always have a great example of what a strong relationship looks like. My parents brought out the absolute worst in each other. They always played good cop, bad cop, and were against each other in almost every situation.  They divorced when I was around sixteen, so needless to say their relationship didn’t stand the test of time. For the longest time, I thought that is how love was. That relationships were bad and ugly, sometimes happy, and would eventually end.  My mother always made sure I took care of myself first, and never relied on anyone to take care of me. “Take care of yourself first, because no one else will” she would say through tears after she and my dad would fight. I learned to be so very independent, and not always in a good way.  I never wanted anyone to get close enough that they would even have the opportunity to hurt me. I was the queen of ending relationships so that I wouldn’t be the one to get dumped. If I would have tried to date me, I would have sprinted in the other direction. I developed a lot of bad habits from watching my parents.  But when I met Alex, even though I tried every way possible to scare her away, she stayed – and I realized that I would do everything I could to keep her in my life forever. So here is a list of things I am doing to help create my dream relationship. I hope this helps you as much as it has helped me! Self-development – So I started on this crazy, woo-woo, never-ending journey of self-development.  I know, I know, it seems all crystals and sage burning. Or at least, that is what I thought it was.  But as I dove deeper, I realized there might actually be something to this. I stumbled upon Rachel Hollis.  Now, if you don’t know who this magic woman is, let me introduce you. She is an author, mother, foster-mom, wife, blogger, entrepreneur and self-development badass.  Today, I listened to her podcast with her husband, Dave Hollis. And this episode, in particular, let me to this blog post. She talked about showing up for your partner.  Woah. I mean the title in itself is good enough, but the episode was killer. But it got me thinking about my own journey to be the best me and spouse I could be.  So here are a couple of my best practices.

Be the best you – Bring your best version of yourself to the table.  Realize as soon as you can bring yourself to, that you need to be whole on your own before you can ever bring anything to a relationship.  And I don’t mean saying it to yourself to get by. I mean know that even without this person in your life, you are completely content being with yourself.  Knowing that you don’t need someone, but wanting someone and choosing to work on that is powerful. ​​

Do the work First – Now what happens if you are doing all this amazing work on yourself to better your relationships, and your partner is not on board.  Or you feel as though you are putting in 80% to get back 20%. That’s ok. The quickest way to get someone fired up about something is if you are fired up yourself.  That kind of drive and pursuit of better is contagious. Your partner will be resistant at first, I’m not going to lie. “Oh that’s not for me” or “oh, I don’t need that woo-woo stuff”, but when you start showing up as your full self, they are going to step back and say “damn, I wanna feel like that too.”Showing up – Another huge component of this relationship kool-aid is showing up.  Now that you are your most fulfilled and amazing self, it’s time to bring some magic to this partnership.  And not just showing up in the way you think is best. Show up in a way that means something to them. Part of this for me has been finding Love Languages.  My biggest love language is Words of Affirmation. I need to be told I am loved, and appreciated, and doing a great job. Find out what your partners are, and cater your “showing up” in a way that will speak directly to their heart.  And don’t be afraid to let them know what yours is.

Sex – Yes, sex.  Passionate, fun, sometimes dirty sex.  Now, I realize that sex is not everyone’s most favorite afternoon activity.  But even if it isn’t important to you, it may be important to them. I want you to figure out how to make this more enjoyable than anything else you could be doing.  Communicate what you like! How are they ever supposed to know if you don’t tell them? Quit being shy or embarrassed, they’re your PARTNER for heaven’s sake. Do it tonight! This is your call to action.  Tell your partner to thank me later…

Time apart – I know in the beginning it is so easy to be so infatuated and spend every waking moment with your significant other.  There is absolutely a season for that, but I don’t believe it is sustainable long term. You both cannot be EVERYTHING for the other person.  You both should have activities you like to do separately. It’s ok for the other person to take a break, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you or want to be with you.  They (or you) just want some time to do their own thing. You are two separate people after all.

Communication – Communication is absolutely huge.  This can be one of the biggest strengths in your relationship or the biggest pitfall.  Here is an example. Say your partner leaves their sock under the coffee table every. Single. Day.   (this may or may not be real-life events…) and you never tell them that bothers you. And every day, for months, you curse under your breath threatening to throw away every sock they own.  One day, you’re making dinner, and your partner is in charge of the potatoes. They walk away to use the bathroom or see about fighting kids, and the potatoes burn. You explode. Crying and yelling about the burnt potatoes, and then your fighting about POTATOES.  But it’s not about the potatoes, is it? It’s about those socks you’ve been picking up, quietly stewing about for months, and it has finally boiled over. All I’m saying is give them the opportunity to show up for you. Tell them about the socks. You may be pleasantly surprised when you no longer find any lurking under that coffee table.

I hope the ways I am trying to better myself help you out a little!  Remember, it will not always be perfect, but we can do our best making it as amazing as it possibly can be.  I can’t wait to watch you walk down the aisle, and capture the fruition of all this hard work!